This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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