I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You don't make any sense
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