If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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