do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
