my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize