Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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