maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize