She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
