Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
