I got her a Nickelback box set.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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