you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
