oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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