I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize