why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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