Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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