You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
