Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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