ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
All the doctor said was why
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
there is glitter all over my balls
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
