I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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