just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
