dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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