So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
