I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
