i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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