So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Say something about gay babies.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's shark week go big or go home
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
