i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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