At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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