I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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