we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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