we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
