I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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