just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
