I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
