bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He shit in the fireplace
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
