Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
