Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
