I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
