Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
