I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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