Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
