I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize