tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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