my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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