I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
