you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
