He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
