I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
