I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
