So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
