You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
