This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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