i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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