I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
