I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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