six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
