You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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