i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
