So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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