Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
