she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
